As a health professional, I have a fair understanding of what the body needs physically, physiologically, mentally and emotionally to cope with and recover from the challenges life throws at us from time to time.
My life has not been stress-free over the last couple of years for many reasons and I have had the opportunity to find out first hand how important it is to look after ourselves when the road becomes rocky, even when at times we may just like feel like curling up into a ball and disappearing.
So today, I would like to share with you my personal story and tell you what I did (and am still doing) to overcome adversity at an extremly challenging time in my life.
I had recently lost my mum when my husband and I decided to put our house on the market. In fact, it was just a month following her death. We figured it made sense to move on as the house was too big for us and we felt like we needed a change of scenery. We still had my elderly dad living with us but agreed that we should go ahead with the sale nonetheless. When an offer was made on the house several months later, I was still going through the stages of grief, but for me it was positive news and I was looking forward to starting a brand new life with my husband. It was exciting!
We decided to rent a flat before buying another property. We weren't sure where we wanted to live so were going to discuss everything once we had settled into the new flat which was located just a couple of kilometers from our house. That way, we could keep the same medical team for my father who was approaching 102 by now. The proceeds from the sale would be kept safely in the bank meanwhile. It all made perfect sense to me.
The day after we received the money my husband left, as planned, to visit his son who lives in another region of the country. I bid him farewell as usual, made him some coffee for the journey and set about making the new flat cosy and welcoming for his return the following week.
The same morning I came down to take our dog out for a walk and noticed I had a flat tyre. With hindsight, I guess this was an omen...
A week later on the day my husband was due to start his journey back home, I received a text message from him, simply saying that he would not be coming back, that he had decided to start a new life alone and that he wished me well. Just like that. After fifteen years of marriage. I later found out that he had been planning everything for well over a year. He had been living a lie and I never saw it coming. I trusted him with my life.
The initial shock was like nothing I've ever experienced in my entire life. I was numb and had a thousand questions spinning around in my head. I wanted to hide and make my pain go away but I couldn't just drop everything. I had my dad and my dog to take care of. I could not afford to let myself go. That realisation was made within one hour of receiving the message. Two days later I received a letter from his lawyer informing me that he'd filed for a divorce. He had prepared everything well ahead and I didn't have a clue. I felt betrayed and a fool for not seeing it happening before my own eyes. The deceit was hard to swallow.
Fast forward a couple of weeks. Nothing was easy but I was "coping". My father's health was deteriorating and I didn't tell him what had happened. It would have destroyed him. His walking had become increasingly unstable and he had suffered several falls before finally being hospitalised for a fracture in the lower spine. I knew that if he stayed in hospital he would let himself go, so urged the medical team to allow him to come home. Never did I feel so alone. However, the days went past quickly and there was little time for self-pity.
I was tired physically and mentally; the consequences were about to manifest (for those of you who are interested, Dr Gabor Maté's book "When the body says no" is a thought-provoking read on this subject). My body was sending me warning signs and as a result, I ended up in bed unable to move for 3 days. I had a fever and couldn't swallow any food. I didn't even have the strength to get into the bed, I just collapsed on top of it, one leg dangling over the side. I somehow managed to pull myself out of bed to prepare some food for dad but I felt physically sick as I did so. Fortunately my neighbour came to my rescue and I was able to rest 24 hours.
This was a wake-up call. I knew I could not continue if I didn't show myself some kindness and started to feed myself properly. I restarted my daily meditation sessions before going to bed. I stocked up on nourishing foods instead of resorting to ready-meals and glasses of wine in an attempt to drown my sorrows.
But my woes had not ended. While attending to my dad one day, I tripped over his walking frame. I heard something snap behind my knee. The pain was excruciating. The tears rolled down my cheeks as I rushed to the freezer to get some ice. I called an ex-neighbour who is also a doctor and after examining me, he and his wife drove me to A&E. I had torn the ligaments and was going to have to wear a splint and use crutches for at least a month!
How would I cope? With crutches even the simplest gest becomes so complicated. How would I look after my dad and prepare his meals when I couldn't even get to the bathroom without struggle? What would I do with my dog locked up in a flat and unable to get down the flight of stairs to let her out? I felt crestfallen.
Well all I can say that it is at such times that we truly understand who is there for us when we really need help. I am an only child and have no children. Therefore I have no immediate family to give me a hand. Other family members do not live nearby so this was a very lonely time for me. How wonderful then to have such fantastic ex-neighbours who reassured me that they would walk my dog twice a day until such times I could do so myself again - and as I write they continue to do so, morning and evening every day without fail. My new neighbour has helped me more than I could ever have hoped - cooking, cleaning, shopping... the list goes on. I am eternally grateful and just knowing that such extraordinary human beings are close to me makes me smile inside and out.
My best friend took time out of her busy schedule to fly over and visit me. My cousin from Canada did the same. Others have offered me unflagging support through messages and phone calls. I feel loved and supported. This gives me the strength and optimism to push forward no matter what.
I have thought about everything that has gone on in the past few weeks and made a list of what I believe could help others get through tough times. Of course, there is no "quick fix", no miracle solution, but I hope that some of you may find this list and my own story of some help and comfort. These tips together with ensuring that you are feeding yourself the right nutrients (remember stress plays a huge part in most of the body's functions so it's vital to keep that in check and you can help do that through proper nutrition and appropriate lifestyle changes), doing things that allow you to relax and simply having some "me time" should make the path less rocky. These practical tips are easy to implement and could make a world of difference.
List of Tips for Tough Times
Reframe your negative thoughts: you may feel like drowning yourself in self-sorrow and pity, feel anger, frustration and even fear. Take a deep breath and try to turn those negative thoughts into positive solutions. Blaming or brooding won't do you any favours, but looking for small ways to tackle the problem and making changes that will help you move forward in a positive way certainly will. For example, I was unable to focus on my work (and frankly too exhausted to do so) but I challenged myself by starting to learn Spanish - something I've wanted to do for a long time. It's an activity that I enjoy and allowed me to focus on something I find entertaining and rewarding.
Seek support: there are times when you simply can't manage all alone, from both a physical and mental point of view. I had no choice but to ask for help. I was incapable of moving just a few steps let alone do all the chores, take care of my father, walk the dog, etc. I have been blown away by the kindness of people around me, without whom I'd be in a very different place right now. I have also had a tremendous amount of emotional support from friends and relatives. Talking about life's difficulties doesn't make them go away, but sharing with a supportive friend or loved one can make you feel like you have someone in your corner. Discussing things with others can also help you gain insight on the challenges you are facing, or even come up with new ideas for managing them.
Take back control: one of the things that I found most debilitating was the feeling of powerlessness in regard to what was going on around me and the turn my life had taken unbeknown to me. Focusing on what I could directly impact made such a difference. I knew I could not go back in time and change things, but I could change things for the better now and for the future. Simple changes sometimes are all that it takes to make you feel a whole lot better. No matter how small these changes/steps may be, they can improve your sense of control and resilience. One such step for me was simply getting rid of my old bed linen and buying some lovely new sets to match the decor of my room. I also booked a hair stylist to come to my home.
Begin with small steps and gradually you will be taking bigger and bolder steps with increasing confidence.
Manage stress: as I mentioned above, too much stress plays havoc with your entire body and can have repercussions on every organ system. Various techniques exist to manage stress levels and you will need to find the method(s) that work for you. It may take some practice but stick with it and you'll reap the benefits. Some of my favourite stress busters include: breathing exercises, meditation, going to bed earlier, watching a movie, reading a good book, going for a walk (am looking foward to being able to do so again soon), chatting to friends, petting my dog, learning new skills, and focusing on the positive things around me (trust me, you'll always find good things even when the going gets tough).
If anything, the past few months have shown me that I can and will get through life's challenges. It has been a time of reflection, introspection and reframing.
I am looking forward to getting back to work soon and helping others achieve thier health goals. I have new services planned for my clients, various talks scheduled for the New Year, as well as several books to complete and publish on a number of topics from managing type 2 diabetes to fun books for children focused on healthy foods.
I will soon be opening up slots for appointments for January 2025 so if you would like to put your name on the waiting list for an online session or find out about upcoming dates of my UK clinics, please drop me a line at hello@rainbow-goddess.com.
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